Making the Switch

I feel bad for spoiling you all during my last couple of weeks of pre-Marshall maternity leave when I was posting daily or even several times daily, especially since now I hardly ever post! What can I say? Caring for Mr. Marshall has proven to be a full-time job. I don't know how stay-at-home moms do it. I respect you more than you will ever know. I'm telling you- absolutely NONE of my med school rotations has ANYTHING on motherhood. Okay, okay, so I haven't had my OB or surgery rotations yet, but I suspect neither of them will even compare to this. It's a lot of work, but then you get to see this and it makes it all worth it! (This is where I've been trying to insert an adorable video for the past two hours... I'll try again soon)

So, we've had a little bit of trouble getting Marshall back up to his birth weight. He was born at 8 lbs 7 oz and dropped down to 7 lbs 7 oz by 1 week after delivery. We were pretty worried, since that was a loss of greater than 10%, but we were reassured when he had gained some weight and was 7 lbs 15 oz at his last doctor's visit. However, today, at another weight check, he was only 8 lbs even. That means he only gained one ounce in the past 6 days, while newborns are supposed to gain between 1/2 oz and 1 oz per DAY at this age. I'm breastfeeding, and after our first appointment, our pediatrician had recommended that I pump after each feeding and give him whatever I was able to express as well, to make sure he took in enough calories. However, my body couldn't tolerate alternating between nursing and pumping every hour (since Marshall wanted to nurse every 2 hours), so I started pumping only sporadically. The most I was ever able to pump was just over 1 oz, but usually I could only get 5-10cc of breastmilk after a feeding.

The past couple of days Marshall has been fussy and has wanted to nurse every hour. He never really seemed content after these feedings and would cry until I offered him milk again. As you can imagine, this was especially hard on me, both emotionally and physically. As the sole provider of his nutrition, I really felt like I was to blame for my son not gaining weight. Well, today, the pediatrician told us that we need to offer him at least 1/2 an ounce of expressed breastmilk or formula after every feeding in order for him to get adequate nutrition. After the appointment, I came home and nursed him until he fell asleep and then tried to pump. I only expressed 6cc, but I had some breastmilk in the refridgerator from earlier, so I offered him a little under an ounce total and he guzzled it up hurriedly. An hour later, when Jordan came home, Marshall was crying again and rooting around like crazy, so we decided to nurse him and supplement with formula. At first, he made a face as if the formula were the most disgusting substance ever to be ingested, but then he quickly gulped it down. Even though the pediatrician had suggested offering him 1/2 oz after nursing, we decided that the poor kid was probably starving, so we let him drink as much formula as he wanted. He ended up drinking 1.5 oz of formula. I know that it's not a good idea to give him so much volume at once, especially when he's formula-naive, but he was so hungry, we decided to go ahead and see what he'd do. Afterwards, he looked at us with this unbelievably content face and smiled. He rested comfortably afterwards, and has been a quiet, happy baby ever since.

I had really mixed feelings about supplementing with formula, but I ultimately think this is the best decision for our family. There are so many people out there who make moms feel horrible if they can't or decide not to breastfeed their children. It's like they make you feel like a failure if you have a rough go at breastfeeding. Anyone who tries to tell you that breastfeeding is easy is kidding.

I had always thought that I would breastfeed. There was absolutely no question. I personally felt that it was the best option for my baby, and that there was no way I wanted to miss out on the bonding that happens between a mother and her breastfed infant. Of course the antibodies and other nutritional benefits are a plus too.

But, breastfeeding has been a painful and time-consuming experience for me. I've had a lot of anxiety regarding the whole issue- Am I feeding him enough? Will this pain ever go away? What will I do when I go back to the wards?

Today, when facing the truth, that our son is not gaining enough weight with me breastfeeding exclusively, Jordan and I had to decide whether or not to continue to try to breastfeed and supplement with formula, or to switch to a formula-only method for Marshall. At first I was devastated, knowing that I was failing to provide adequately for our baby. And then, I thought about what it would mean to stop breastfeeding: I would no longer be the only person who could feed our baby. With formula, anyone could feed Marshall. I know that I provide other things for him as his mother, but this was a biggie for me, and part of me started to feel like if I couldn't feed him, that he wouldn't need me anymore.

Despite all these mixed feelings, when we gave Marshall that bottle today, my heart melted. He looked at us both so lovingly, and my mind wasn't wrapped up in the pain of nursing or whether or not he was getting enough to eat. I would rather lovingly give my baby a bottle than begrudgingly fork over my breast.

For the time being, we've decided to continue to offer breastmilk at each feeding, followed up with formula. I'm not sure how long we'll continue to do it this way, and if breastmilk simply becomes a "comfort food" or just an occasional shot of "immune boost," that'll still be better than nothing.

I commend the women who are able to breastfeed without difficulty and continue to do so for many months for their children, but in our case, I think supplementation and eventual transition to formula for Marshall is the safest and healthiest choice.

We're going to watch his tummy and see how he tolerates the formula supplementation for the next couple of days. If he does well with it, we might make the switch.