Man, I should have been Catholic because I've got serious guilt issues.
This week, I decided to stop providing Marshall with breast milk. With my crazy hours at the hospital, I was only really getting one opportunity to pump during the day, and sometimes that was only for 10 minutes, after going 10-12 hours without pumping. It was getting to the point when I was only making 3 ounces total per day and I was having a hard time motivating myself to pump. Then, after a particularly crazy day in which I went 12 hours without pumping and then only had about 10 minutes to eat lunch and pump, I only pumped an ounce and a half the ENTIRE day. So, I decided to stop.
But, as with many decisions I've made as a new parent, I second-guessed myself and questioned my decision. I spent two days being horribly engorged and leaking, thinking to myself that I should still be pumping. Some breast milk is better than none, right??
However, after talking with moms who've been there, I realized that I could be an even better mom to Marshall if I did indeed stop pumping. With pumping, I was taking time out of my work day during which I could be accomplishing tasks, such that I'd have to complete the work once I got home, and thus, I was wasting time that could be spent with Marshall. Afterall, when I only get to spend a half an hour to an hour of awake time with him per day, I really have to make those moments count. I'd gotten in the habit of waiting to do all my work once he went to sleep, but I have to make sure I'm getting some sleep too.
Anyway, it's been difficult, both emotionally and physically, but I think I've made the right decision. As long as Marshall is happy, safe and healthy, I'm satisfied. The really reassuring thing is that yesterday I spent the day working with a lactation consultant at the hospital as part of my clerkship responsibilities, and she was astonished that I had continued to pump after coming back to the wards. While my previous goal had been to make it to 6 months, I think 12 weeks is admirable enough.
I think they must be practicing animal sounds at daycare because last night when I got home, Marshall was all smiles and kept making noises like he was growling. Then he would eat his hand and laugh. It was so cute. I'm looking forward to getting to spend the weekend with him, and Jordan. We have family coming into town to help us out when I start my night shifts starting Sunday. One more week and then I'll be on to PEDS, which should hopefully involve some better hours. We'll see! Thankfully, I've really enjoyed this rotation, so it makes the time I do spend away from home worthwhile. I started looking more seriously into Family Medicine fellowship programs in surgical OB... and I was excited to learn there's one here in Kansas City! So, I'd be a family practitioner, but I'd be able to deliver babies, do C-sections, tubal ligations, and other procedures. I still have to look into how I'd work out completing a fellowship with my scholarship, but it's really neat feeling excited about my future career.
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That's great that you may have found a place you want to be after school. In the end, you have to do what is best for you and helps you be a better mom. Both my kids were formula fed after 4 months because it didn't work out at work and they are fat happy little rugrats and I was a much happier mama. Don't worry about the guilt, I think we deliver it with the baby and it just hangs around. Love you!
ReplyDeleteReally in the end it's not what other mothers or everyone else thinks. Whether you and your family are okay and happy, that's what matters, do what helps them (and that includes you) and do not question that. guilt free. Love the updates, Britton. I'm glad that you have this so I can read up and see how everyone is doing!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was having babies the medical profession discouraged breast feeding. If you wanted to breast feed you had to fight the doctors and nurses and persist in spite of their looks of disapproval. Then as soon as there was any problem with you or your baby the solution was to quit breast feeding. I was told I had to quit breast feeding Scott because I caught a cold! He was only 3 weeks old at the time. I'm saying, do what feels right to you. Don't let anyone, even your own guilt, dissuade you. You know what is best for you and your family. All any baby needs in this world besides basic food and shelter is to be loved for who he is. Your job is to just keep discovering who he is and help him be more of that. That's not nearly so hard as trying to do everything perfectly or make sure he turns out just right. He is already just right and you love him. That is all he needs. Trust yourself!!!
ReplyDeletePeds is going to treat you and Marshall great! I am excited for you. There is also a community preceptor in Lawrence for peds, so if you haven't already, you should request to be assigned there.
ReplyDeleteIm excited about you possibly doing surgical OB, I would come all the way to KC just so you could deliver my baby!!!
ReplyDeletemiss you
Britton, I am so happy that you have enjoyed your rotation and are looking forward to your next one. Two great rotations for what you have had going on in your life. You could identify with your patients in OB/GYN and now you will follow thru with peds and know what to expect from Marshall. I can hardly wait to see him and all of the new things he has learned. I totally support your decision to stop breastfeeding.
ReplyDeleteLove, Donna
Britton,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that the FP residents coming out of either of the Wichita residencies finish with plenty of numbers to certify for c-sections without having to do a fellowship, and Wesley residents also do lots of tubals as well (Via Christi doesn't b/c they're Catholic). A lot of FP residencies are set up so that you can do sections without a fellowship (I have talked to a lot of attendings about this b/c I want to go the same path), and generally the fellowship is only required if you want to practice in a larger city against OB/GYNs just for the respect aspect of it. I just did a section with my FP preceptor yesterday who graduated from Via Christi and didn't do a fellowship!
-Alicia